1. Lay out some newspaper (or brown paper bags, or something like them) on your counter, below the cutting board. These things will release a lot of water when you cut them in half, which is your next step. When you look at the resulting cross-section, you'll see a bunch of weird material in the front half and a nice big tail in the back. Remove the tail meat. Next, crack the claws and remove the meat from those, a much harder task but obviously necessary. Chop it all up coarsely and set it aside in a bowl.

2. This is the most important part: you will see a bunch of weird green stuff along the meat in the tail. Do not throw this out. Set it aside. It is called tomolley for some reason, and it is important. If are especially fortunate, you may have a fertile female, whose bright red egg sac (aka, coral) is essentially lobster caviar, and even more precious. These two odd, somewhat revolting substances are the key to your lobster roll.

3. Melt three quarters of a stick of butter. I know this seems like a lot. It is. But so what? Do you eat lobster rolls every day? I didn't think so. Warm the butter (it should bubble but just barely) and add the garlic, finely chopped, and a heaping tablespoon of the tomolley. If you get some coral, put every bit of it in there too. Let it infuse, moving it around from time to time with a wooden spoon. Once the butter tastes good—really good—put the lobster in it and stir it around a fair amount, as if you were scrambling eggs. You aren't really looking to cook it, just to coat and warm it. Set it aside.

4. In another pan, melt the remaining quarter stick of butter. Toast the buns in it. They should be brown and buttery.

5. Put the lobster in the bun. Sprinkle the scallions over the thing. Salt it slightly. Eat. Repeat as necessary.